before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
