yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
