My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think I won the penis lottery.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
