Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
