apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
