A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
