I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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