It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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