Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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