If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
