He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
