i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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