i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
