Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
