I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
