every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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