you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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