I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
