Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
