so explain again why im purple
no
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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