did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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