It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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