OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
this beer tastes like vomit already
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
