I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
