Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
