this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
