I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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