yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you inspire me to be a worse person
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
