my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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