You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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