how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
