After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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