I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
