It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
