Fine. I'll sleep in my office
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
