Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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