I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
How does one acquire holy water?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
