I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
