just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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