Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
