I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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