So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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