Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
