I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
