Your dad touched me again.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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