doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
