I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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