omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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