theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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