I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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