I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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